From my father: Do you know how hot and dry it is in West Texas? It is so hot and dry, the Baptists are sprinkling, and the Methodists are just using a damp cloth.
A Texan was once asked where Jesus was born. He answered, "Lufkin." The questioner replied, "No, that's not it." The Texan tried again, "Longview." The questioner said, "No that's not right, either." The Texan tried yet again, "Tyler." The questioner finally answered, "No, he was born in Palestine." The Texan interjected, "Dang it! I knew it was somewhere in East Texas!"
From an Aggie: Do you know what they do to Aggies who are caught masturbating? They make them stand up at football games.
From my father: Herbie was the oldest student at A&M. People kept asking him, "When are you going to graduate?" So he approached the dean and asked him what to do. The dean replied, "I'll tell you what: I'm going to give you a final exam that if you pass, you can graduate. There'll be just 1 question on the exam, but you'll have to answer it correctly on the first try. We'll schedule it for Friday in the conference room." The news circulated across the campus, and when Friday rolled around, the conference room was full to overflowing. So they moved it to a classroom. Quickly, it, too, was full to overflowing, so they moved it to a lecture hall. Then that filled to overflowing, so it was moved to an auditorium. Then that was standing room only, so they moved it to Kyle Field. Before a packed crowd, the dean asked Herbie the question: "What is 4 + 3?" Silence fell across the crowd, and Herbie sighed, scratched his head, and scanned the yard lines as though the answer might be found there. Finally, he answered, "7!" The crowd moaned and started shouting, "Give him another chance!"
Q: What is the difference between a Michigander and a Memphian?
A. One makes cars and the other one steals them.
Q: What is the difference between Wisconsin and a Mississippian?
A. One has Green Bay and the other one has green teeth.
When you're in a motel room in Mississippi, and you call up the front desk and say you've got a leak in the sink, they tell you, "Go right on ahead."
In Mississippi, they think that the new $5, $10, and $20 dollar bills are counterfeit.
From my brother: 2 Aggies were trying to land a plane, but they kept complaining that the runway was too short. The air traffic controller assured them that it was the longest runway they had, but the Aggies kept having to abort the landing. Finally they managed to get the plane down. They got out of the cockpit, looked around, and said, "This runway is sure short, but it's MIGHTY wide!"
NEW: from my father: When Reagan was first elected President, there was a controversy as to how to correctly pronounce his name, so they hired an expert to resolve the issue. The man came, and they asked him whether it is "Ray-gun" or "Ree-gun." He replied that it is "Ray-gun." One person asked out of curiousity, "Do you do this full time?" The expert replied, "No, my other job is breeding dogs." "What kind of dogs do you breed?" was the next question. The expert replied, "Bagels."
NEW: From the internet: George W. Bush should look out the window of his Crawford home early one morning when there's not a cloud in the sky. He should say, "It's a new day." Then, he should say, "It's a clear day." Next, he should say, "It's a new, clear day." Finally, he will be able to say "nuclear"!
NEW: FROM DAN BENNETT:
Q: What is the longest distance between two points?
A: An argument.
